I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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