That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
