May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I have already put on my inside pants.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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