The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize
