Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Randomize
