the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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