Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
