Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
