all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
