i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
i think i have herpe
just one?
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
