If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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