i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
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