Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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