dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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