My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
