We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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