dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Randomize
