No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
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