I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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