Will you blow on my dice?
I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Randomize
