i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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