Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
