apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
