my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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