Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
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