That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize
