i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Hippo gnu deer
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
