nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
