party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Randomize