i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
