My room smells like vodka and shame
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I think my moral compass just broke
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
