Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize