I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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