I am puke
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize