There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
