After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
