Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
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