Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
