I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
