And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
Is it because I queefed?
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Randomize
