True but thats because hes a fetus.
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
This is my gift to your gina
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Randomize
