Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
