No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Randomize