you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Randomize
