Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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