worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
