my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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