This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
