I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Randomize
