Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
