i dedicated my morning wood to you.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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