My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
