You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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