guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Randomize
