Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
