dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
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