Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize