Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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