He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
