my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
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