so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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