It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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