Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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