Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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