u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
